Entry 1

March 16, 2025

I really wanted to kill myself last night.

I have these memories for high school which can serve as a perfect allegory for how I feel right now: In freshman year, I competed in this competition called DECA. I really thought I was going to win, but I got eliminated after just the first round. I cried 11 times in one day and I was hysterical. At the very least, my friend who was also at the competition comforted me and my boyfriend at the time comforted me over the phone. The next year, I participated in the same competition. Not only did I make it past the 1st round, I made it to the 2nd, and one several medals and a trophy. I felt amazing...for a moment. My friend who previously comforted me was too sick to be enthusiastic congradulate me. My boyfriend became my ex-boyfriend a few weeks prior to the competition. So here I was, medals adorning my neck and trophy weighing down my hand...and no one to show off to. This one hurt way more than losing.

Now it's been about 5 years since then and I feel the same. I'm progressing in my self-care, academics, proffesional skills, and more. But when I look around me, there's no one patting on my back. In fact, I feel like the only time people care about me is when I trigger their savior complex by suffering. When things are going well for me, no one seems to care. I feel like this trains my brain to be miserable more often in order to get more attention from others. I climbed this big mountain and the view isn't great. I'm just cold, sweaty, and alone.

Anyway, I took my lexapro this morning. I'm going to tend to my plants, do some chores, and then go to work. That's all I really can do in this world.

Kill myself or move on. I can't kill myself because my grandma needs company and she doesn't have many friends she can readily call for comfort, support, or any kind of socialization. So I guess I'm moving on. My friend says I should start living for me and not for her. How could I ever run off into the sunset and leave behind the woman who raised me all by herself? If the only way for me to be happy is by being selfish, maybe my happiness isn't worth it? I guess I should stop equating caring about my own wants and needs with selfishness. When I look at the individualism of western culture, I see how it creates chaos, division, and mutual destruction but also happiness. When I look at the collectivism of eastern culture, I see how there's harmony and how the group thrives together. However, that's also why Japan and South Korea have some of the highest suicide rates in the world. I suppose true happiness is somewhere in between.